A few of Rachel's favorite things: dressing up as a "horsey g-raffe" and acting like a bug in her "bug cage" She won't take naps anymore- so she sometimes wears herself out playing.
You Know You Want This On Your Couch
7 years ago
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Being a Good Enough Mother
My sister-in-law found this article at pbsparents.com and posted it on her blog. I found it to be a great article, and decided to post it to my blog, too! I feel like this a lot, too- but its nice to know I'm a "normal" and "good enough" mother! :)
Amy, the mother of a four-year-old boy, was upset. She had just had the final conference of the year with her son's nursery school teacher. She heard some really good things about her son; she heard that he is very bright, makes friends easily and is very well liked. But the teacher also told her that sometimes he gets silly and babyish. Sometimes when she works individually with the children, he refuses to work with her. So Amy worried about whether there was something wrong with her son and wondered what she might have done to create these "problems."
Why do mothers tend to think that everything is their fault?
As mothers, we want everything to be perfect for our children. More than that, we imagine we can make it so. Sometimes there are things we don't like about ourselves or our lives and blame our upbringing. We want to fix what we think went wrong with us and do it right for our children. If only we could be perfect mothers, we could create the perfect life for our children and they in turn would be perfect. But since children are not perfect, we think there must be something wrong with us – that we must be at fault.
Besides, everyone acts as if a mother is responsible for everything her child does. People glare at you in the supermarket if your child acts up – as if you don't know how to manage him. They make comments on the bus if your child is unruly. If your daughter protests loudly when you leave to go out in the evening the babysitter or your mother might think, "She never does that with me."
As if that isn't enough, there are so many theories about how children should be raised in order for them to become emotionally well-adjusted, smart, successful and happy. And mothers are the ones on the hot seat. Now that so much has been learned about brain development, mothers feel responsible for that too! Child development research from its beginnings has, too often, assigned mom the role of primary influence, responsibility – and blame!
The message mothers take from all of this is that there is a right way to do things, and if you do it the wrong way you will damage your child. Any problem must mean you are doing something wrong, and so it is your fault. To be a good mother, it seems as though you have to be perfect and never make any mistakes.
The trouble with this idea is that even if you were a perfect mother (if there ever were such a person), that's not what would be best for your child. Your child has to grow up to live in the real world, and the real world isn't perfect. A child can't expect always to have people around her who understand her or cater to her every wish. Children have to learn to share, take turns, wait for what they want and realize that other people have needs and moods, too. Having to learn this can be frustrating, so children act up in various ways to show their displeasure. They show their feelings by behaving in ways that adults don't always like, and sometimes lead mothers to believe that they have done something wrong to cause that behavior.
But what about Amy and the teacher's report? Was Amy responsible for her son's behavior? Well, only if you think it was her fault for having a second child (which, by the way, she did feel guilty about). Actually, her son's babyish behavior was his way of saying that he wanted some baby treatment — like being carried or drinking from a baby bottle – and didn't want to be considered a "big boy." When Amy realized that his behavior was saying something about him, rather than about her, she was able to find many ways to help him appreciate being four instead of still being a baby.
So being a good mother does not mean being a perfect mother. A good enough mother is good enough.
A good enough mother:
loves her child but not all of his behavior.
isn't always available to her child whenever he wants her.
can't possibly prevent all her child's frustrations and moods.
has needs of her own which may conflict with those of her child.
loses it sometimes.
is human and makes mistakes.
learns from her mistakes.
uses her own best judgment.
There are no perfect mothers and no perfect children. If we accept our own limitations, we are better able to accept those of our children and of life itself. In that way we become good enough mothers. And good enough mothers are the real mothers.
Amy, the mother of a four-year-old boy, was upset. She had just had the final conference of the year with her son's nursery school teacher. She heard some really good things about her son; she heard that he is very bright, makes friends easily and is very well liked. But the teacher also told her that sometimes he gets silly and babyish. Sometimes when she works individually with the children, he refuses to work with her. So Amy worried about whether there was something wrong with her son and wondered what she might have done to create these "problems."
Why do mothers tend to think that everything is their fault?
As mothers, we want everything to be perfect for our children. More than that, we imagine we can make it so. Sometimes there are things we don't like about ourselves or our lives and blame our upbringing. We want to fix what we think went wrong with us and do it right for our children. If only we could be perfect mothers, we could create the perfect life for our children and they in turn would be perfect. But since children are not perfect, we think there must be something wrong with us – that we must be at fault.
Besides, everyone acts as if a mother is responsible for everything her child does. People glare at you in the supermarket if your child acts up – as if you don't know how to manage him. They make comments on the bus if your child is unruly. If your daughter protests loudly when you leave to go out in the evening the babysitter or your mother might think, "She never does that with me."
As if that isn't enough, there are so many theories about how children should be raised in order for them to become emotionally well-adjusted, smart, successful and happy. And mothers are the ones on the hot seat. Now that so much has been learned about brain development, mothers feel responsible for that too! Child development research from its beginnings has, too often, assigned mom the role of primary influence, responsibility – and blame!
The message mothers take from all of this is that there is a right way to do things, and if you do it the wrong way you will damage your child. Any problem must mean you are doing something wrong, and so it is your fault. To be a good mother, it seems as though you have to be perfect and never make any mistakes.
The trouble with this idea is that even if you were a perfect mother (if there ever were such a person), that's not what would be best for your child. Your child has to grow up to live in the real world, and the real world isn't perfect. A child can't expect always to have people around her who understand her or cater to her every wish. Children have to learn to share, take turns, wait for what they want and realize that other people have needs and moods, too. Having to learn this can be frustrating, so children act up in various ways to show their displeasure. They show their feelings by behaving in ways that adults don't always like, and sometimes lead mothers to believe that they have done something wrong to cause that behavior.
But what about Amy and the teacher's report? Was Amy responsible for her son's behavior? Well, only if you think it was her fault for having a second child (which, by the way, she did feel guilty about). Actually, her son's babyish behavior was his way of saying that he wanted some baby treatment — like being carried or drinking from a baby bottle – and didn't want to be considered a "big boy." When Amy realized that his behavior was saying something about him, rather than about her, she was able to find many ways to help him appreciate being four instead of still being a baby.
So being a good mother does not mean being a perfect mother. A good enough mother is good enough.
A good enough mother:
loves her child but not all of his behavior.
isn't always available to her child whenever he wants her.
can't possibly prevent all her child's frustrations and moods.
has needs of her own which may conflict with those of her child.
loses it sometimes.
is human and makes mistakes.
learns from her mistakes.
uses her own best judgment.
There are no perfect mothers and no perfect children. If we accept our own limitations, we are better able to accept those of our children and of life itself. In that way we become good enough mothers. And good enough mothers are the real mothers.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Food Allergies
So- I almost feel bad about writing this post- because I'm complaining a little bit- and I know this isn't that bad when I look around me and see people dealing with way worse. But- I'm still going to get it out- I am so annoyed at having to deal with the food allergies with my children!! Growing up- we didn't have to worry about foods- we didn't really have special needs or anything- so I figured that was how my married life would be- pretty normal with a few hiccups to get through here and there. One of the main reasons I am dismayed that I now have to deal with not one, but two food allergies- is- I hate to cook. And- sad to say- I was liking the freezer foods that I could pop in the microwave once or twice a week and not worry about dinner. Now- I really can't do that. Jacie can't have gluten- and gluten is in SO many things!- its really hard to go out to eat now with her. I've discovered that Rachel really can't tolerate much milk. How much, if any- I don't know- but I know she gets really sick if she eats a lot in a day. I kept thinking with her- if I just replace milk with the soy milk- I'll be fine. But- milk is in nearly everything too! so- I have to read labels like crazy. And- I have a nagging feeling that Jacie needs to be off milk too. She still complains of headaches and stomach pain a lot- although it doesn't make her wake up crying. She's still lacks energy- so- I'm going to take a big breath- and try and make a huge change in my house so that Jacie and Rachel will both be going gluten and dairy free as much as possible. If Rachel gets some gluten- I think she'll be fine- if Jacie gets a bit of dairy- I think she'll be fine... so it will be hard- but I think I may be able to do it. There is a book down at my library that is a gluten and dairy free cookbook- so I want to go check that out and see if I can manage to cook any of it!! Alyson seems to like the silk milk just fine, but going totally gluten free for the whole family could be a bit spendy- so I don't know how this will go. But- we'll see how it works! If anyone out there has any good dairy free or dairy and gluten free recipes- I'll be happy to see if I can incorporate it into our family lifestyle! But, for now- I just need to remember- one step at a time!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Graduation: Pregnancy Brain to Mom Brain
It was always nice to be able to have something to blame for my spaceyness. Pregnancy. But- now I don't have that to fall back on. So- now I blame it on just being a mom. This scenario happens to me just about every day- just in a different form. Here's what happened.
Jared took Alyson, Jacie and Rachel on the Willamette River on his fishing boat. That left me and Benjamin by ourselves. I figured this would be great to go shopping for those last minute things I needed. I didn't NEED too much- 3 things- so I decided to make a mental list. I even tried to envision myself going to each isle to get the things I needed. The only thing I really needed desperately- were my bottle liners- although I could have used a different bottle if I needed to. So- I got to the store, went and got the formula and wipes, and went on my way. Just looking around the store, nowhere to go... I went to a shoe store, bought shoes for Jared, then decided everyone would be probably home soon, so I got Ben in the car- then thought- I wonder when he's due to eat again? I have bottle liners with me, right? BOTTLE LINERS!!! The one thing I forgot to get, which was the primary reason for going to the store in the first place! Luckily, I hadn't buckled him in, and hadn't put away the stroller yet, so in I went again, and came out with more than I had planned on getting. But- its hard for me to believe how my brain short circuits when there were only 3 things on my list of must haves! Oh well. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in an early stage of Alheizmer's- because I am so forgetful. I need a notebook within easy reach in my purse so I can jot down how to get home.
Jared took Alyson, Jacie and Rachel on the Willamette River on his fishing boat. That left me and Benjamin by ourselves. I figured this would be great to go shopping for those last minute things I needed. I didn't NEED too much- 3 things- so I decided to make a mental list. I even tried to envision myself going to each isle to get the things I needed. The only thing I really needed desperately- were my bottle liners- although I could have used a different bottle if I needed to. So- I got to the store, went and got the formula and wipes, and went on my way. Just looking around the store, nowhere to go... I went to a shoe store, bought shoes for Jared, then decided everyone would be probably home soon, so I got Ben in the car- then thought- I wonder when he's due to eat again? I have bottle liners with me, right? BOTTLE LINERS!!! The one thing I forgot to get, which was the primary reason for going to the store in the first place! Luckily, I hadn't buckled him in, and hadn't put away the stroller yet, so in I went again, and came out with more than I had planned on getting. But- its hard for me to believe how my brain short circuits when there were only 3 things on my list of must haves! Oh well. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in an early stage of Alheizmer's- because I am so forgetful. I need a notebook within easy reach in my purse so I can jot down how to get home.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The art of board gaming
I have always been a fan of board games. They're just fun! I could play for hours with anyone willing to give their time to me as a kid. As an adult- I still enjoy them, but its harder to find the time- or the right age group...
Alyson for the past couple of days has been asking to play a board game. The trouble is- I sent all our games packed to our storage unit since no one has asked to play them in years... but there has been a couple that escaped the box and are still lying around. One is Rummikub. Jared and I love this game. We used to play it every Sunday with his parents (or Scrabble) but it has been just sitting around for the past Nine years because we haven't found time or energy to play- and no one has been old enough to play. FINALLY- Alyson is old enough- 8! The problem: One missing tile. So- yesterday I told her we couldn't play. I looked and looked for places I thought I had seen the lone tile, but to no avail. Today when she came asking to play a game- I thought- oh why not? its missing a tile... I'll just make up the missing tile in case we need it... it's still a fun game! And she took to liking it fast! We played 3 rounds!! I finished preparing dinner, we ate, and she played with her friends. But- seeing how its not very late yet, maybe we'll get in another game tonight! Quite possibly, board gaming has once again bloomed in the Brewer household!
Alyson for the past couple of days has been asking to play a board game. The trouble is- I sent all our games packed to our storage unit since no one has asked to play them in years... but there has been a couple that escaped the box and are still lying around. One is Rummikub. Jared and I love this game. We used to play it every Sunday with his parents (or Scrabble) but it has been just sitting around for the past Nine years because we haven't found time or energy to play- and no one has been old enough to play. FINALLY- Alyson is old enough- 8! The problem: One missing tile. So- yesterday I told her we couldn't play. I looked and looked for places I thought I had seen the lone tile, but to no avail. Today when she came asking to play a game- I thought- oh why not? its missing a tile... I'll just make up the missing tile in case we need it... it's still a fun game! And she took to liking it fast! We played 3 rounds!! I finished preparing dinner, we ate, and she played with her friends. But- seeing how its not very late yet, maybe we'll get in another game tonight! Quite possibly, board gaming has once again bloomed in the Brewer household!
Skype- fabulous!
My dad is leaving to Iraq on Sunday. He is going to be an electrician contractor- or something like that. He's not in the Military- but it feels like he might as well be... at any rate- he asked all of us kids if we'd download skype so we would have a cheap (it's free computer to computer calling) and a way to still see eachother- if we have a web cam. So- I downloaded it- and had my first conversation on it with my dad. It was very cool. Unfortunately, we hadn't bought our web cam yet, so he couldn't see us- but the girls were giddy with excitement that they could see Papa on the computer screen, and hear him talking. So- I went to wal-mart and bought a cheap-o model web cam, and had a conversation with him again today. He could see us this time, which was nice, but since I decided on the cheap-o model- the results weren't great. So- I might take it back and fork out the extra cash... I also found out you can have conference calling on skype- which I think is a cool feature- you can have family that can't be at family get-togethers- there- I'm thinking Christmas here. So- I'm excited to be able to talk to my dad while he's in Iraq- although hopefully the time difference won't be too big of a deal... :)
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
so- I found out how to put these "reactions" tabs on my posts. I'm wondering if there are people out there who read my blog, but don't comment, would at least say what they thought about the post. It's just to see...sometimes I read other people's blogs and don't comment- so I can't be too worried about my lack of visitors- although I do have a few- and I appreciate the comments! Thanks Shara and Lisa!
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